Queer Fresno

OK, so I should probably start off by apologizing to the mass of women who just went shoe shopping for that perfect gladiator sandal who I am probably about to offend. I just couldn’t stop myself from opening my big mouth on the subject of my unrelenting hatred for gladiator sandals (come on, I’m half black, half Sicilian AND gay. Opinionated and loud is an understatement.) It didn’t fully hit me until this Independence Day weekend when my favorite cousin stopped by to join in on our little family gathering. She was in a fantastic bold lemon-hued linen dress that she picked up for a great price at Forever 21. Her hair was amazing as per usual. Her makeup was flawless as per usual. Then I looked down… White studded gladiator sandals that she seemed to be very proud of. I was very close to taking them off of her feet and beating her unconscious with them. After asking her if she was stunt-doubling for Russel Crowe in a sequel to Gladiator, she fed me this crock, “They go with everything! It’s the hot trend right now.” It was almost enough to give me an aneurysm… Alright, I know that Fresno is sometimes a little behind when it comes to trends in fashion, but don’t try to pull that nonsense with me. I’m a fashion designer and I still think the reinvention of the sandals was a practical joke played on someone at Balenciaga. I’ve seen them worn with just about everything and I can honestly say that the only thing I agree that they go with is a spear and shield. But that’s just my opinion. Feel free to question my logic  if you disagree. All of my friends are so sick of me talking about how much I hate them, I swear I’m just waiting for the day one of them decides to shoot me with a blowgun. But really, are we in Ancient Rome? Are you wrestling a lion at the Coliseum after that cocktail? You might as well wear Birkenstocks with socks. Just.. please burn them. I never thought I’d say this but I think I hold more disdain for gladiator sandals than I do for UGG boots (which are in my opinion only appropriate when you’re in the frozen tundra, but that’s just me.) When in modern times, do as modern timers do. Now, what I want to know is what do you think about gladiator sandals? Hold on, I just threw up in my mouth… Am I being to harsh, or do you agree that we should find the person who brought them back and spear them?